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Think Happy Thoughts

Rice and vegetable bake

Roast some peppers and sweet potatoes (or any quick bake veg) for about 15 minutes

When the veg are nearly done cook your pack of microwave veg rice and spread in bottom of ovenproof dish

Spread out the roasted veg on top of the rice

Crack two eggs over the veg

Add grated cheese on top

Bake in the oven til eggs cooked

Takes about half an hour in total

Happiness is in the small things

I’m not fussed about big fancy gifts, owning a mansion, driving a posh car – OK they’d be nice but I truly am not bothered about them. As I rediscovered on Wednesday, it’s the small gestures that mean the most. So many friends took the time to wish me a happy birthday on social media, I didn’t expect such love and it was heart-warming.

Then there were the thoughtful gifts from my family and friends, I am sat here enveloped in the scent of the lilies my son gave me (and I will treasure the note forever). My daughter took the time to think what I might appreciate and got me the geeky Tetris lights I’ve had my eye on for ages. Friends gave me awesome gifts that showed their thoughtfulness, items I would not necessarily buy for myself – which is what gifts should be about, not what you *need* but those little treats that make you smile. Plus I received money from my parents with instructions to buy something for myself, not to be sensible. So I’ve got myself a BBQ in the hopes we might have a sunny day sometime this summer – yeah, it’ll probably rain forever now. Sorry.

I ended up having one of the best birthdays I’ve had in years, relaxed and spent with family and friends. Thank you to everyone who took the time to make me smile.

*edit – just got a belated card/gift through the post and had to mention that Lydia has made me laugh til I almost cried, first time I’ve laughed like that in a while. Going to enjoy rereading about the 7 vertically challenged women and the handsome Stand the Knight 😉

We all cry sometimes

This last week has been hard, the last couple of months have been hard to be honest but these last few days I have really struggled. I tell you this not in the hopes for encouragement and love but because we all have our bad days and often we feel we are the only ones – but we are not.

Today I kind of gave up, I gave up on the pretending to be cheerful, I gave up my brave face, I gave up on hoping, I gave up on work.

Today I napped and lay on my bed doing nothing and cried and let all the negative thoughts wash over me. OK there was a couple of moments where I pretended because I didn’t want the questions that come when you’re upset, but alone in my room I gave up.

And it’s OK to do that. Not all the time, but sometimes we just need to give in to our feelings and let them out.

I feel alone, I feel unwanted, I feel pointless.

I want to be loved, held close, cuddled, kissed, needed.

I want desperately to run away for a little while. To leave behind all the problems I have to solve. But if course they aren’t going to get solved like that are they?

So tomorrow I wake up, brew a coffee, make a toasted teacake, and begin again. I smile, and I laugh, and I care, because that is who I am when depression does not have control of me.

Tomorrow is a new day, the day after is too, and each new day brings me closer to that new life that I am trying to attain. I may not know the exact start date but whatever it is I will be a day closer to it.

Doing and Being

I’m at a bit of a crossroads with my life, personal and business, and I am rethinking what I want to do with my future.

What I do is constantly evolving; as I learn, as I find new paths, as I fail, as I succeed. Doing, while useful in a lot of ways, can usually be done by lots of people and often in better ways than I can achieve.

But throughout all these changes I know the person I want to be. Younger me was always pretty well-behaved, tried to be nice, conformed – but all this was pretty subconscious and often faulty. I have done things I am heartily ashamed of because I thought it was “smart” or “didn’t think”. Nowadays I am more conscious of my behaviour and how it affects others, I put that down to the self development I have been undertaking for the last few years.

I want to be kind, helpful, caring – those are pretty obvious I guess, after all who wants to be mean and nasty? However I also want to be adventurous, brave, I don’t want to hide behind the self-doubts that plague me, I need to help, to make others happy, to say “fuck no” to things I know aren’t right for me (and without guilt), to try new experiences, to live without fear.

All wants and wishes, they won’t happen unless I put them into practice.

So here I am, living through changes, looking to an unknown future as a single woman. Something I never envisaged until recently. I’m going to need all the bravery and “fuck no’s” I can muster to get me through and beyond. I am going to be the woman I want to be.

Life Changes

The last couple of months have seen my emotions rocking like Serenity dodging laser cannons in an airborne firefight. Leaf on the wind? More like leaf in a tornado.

Having said that, everything will be better for everyone in the end.

It is sad and scary to try and organise a separation from someone who has been in your life for over 25 years, even though we have basically been living separate lives for more than a while. Nothing to blame on either side, just a simple growing apart and having different needs and interests that mean we are definitely going to be happier as singles rather than a couple. When I said earlier this year that I was starting a new chapter from September I didn’t realise it would be a whole new book.